In the Fast Lane No More..

Yesterday, It was just 9am and I was already very tired.. but I try not to show it. Whole weekend had been tiring one.. child rearing, house cleaning.. and the most tiring one was.. thinking about financial and family dilemmas.. I think I'll go through another emotional instability and identity crisis.

I'm a person who tries to ignore abrupt feelings of happiness, anger, frustration, sadness, and hurt. I always try to be calm and unresponsive to growing insanity around me that's why my friends often tag me as "masunget", "naive", "inconsiderate". But anyways, I don't really dare to care about all of those.

For once, I've tried to change that inherent attitude coz many people really misunderstood me as something incomprehensible. But it always ends up to this.. I try but i choose to fail in trying. I think I'm better being like this.. if i try to act softer.. as if I'm just being pushed around by others often being abused.. in turn losing myself more..

Yesterday also, I realized that leveling up with people around me is not my forte anymore. Yeah well before i'm pretty sure that i can do that well but now I think my life really changed and leveling up doesn't fit in that life anymore.

As all the insecurity and enviousness slowly fed on me, I find the feelings pretty much amusing for a while so I embraced them. From shopping, to friendships, to partying, to vacations... I envy every person whom I know. The feeling is like this.. I get envious.. my heart feels like its slowly feeding on itself.. I try not to mind the feeling.. I leave.. my mind is flying elsewhere.. I can't sleep well.. I get stressed comforting my feelings.. the next day I find another scenario to make myself envious..

Now, I think this whole thing is a learning experience for me. . this getting envious and leveling up thingy.. for one thing, getting envious is something that i can get over with after 2 or 3 days. Leveling up is another story, I learned that i should really ditch it the hard way.. like getting hurt by words. this "very chair" became a witness on how i tried to level up with them.. and it came to the endpoint already. The months that i tried to level up with them had been stressful.. with me not even knowing why i had to do those things. Escpecially at this point in my life, i have many responsibilities at hand that even my bestfriend doesn't know of. Some people around me won't understand or even won't believe my situation but anyway that's already expected.

All I know now is.. even jokes can hurt me now.. a big sign of my emotional instability slowly creeping through my veins..